Gittin

 Gittin have been coming up in the news a lot recently, and this issue bothers me a lot, so I wanted to say something.  First, specifically about these agunah cases.  They're terrible, and we cannot be aloof to such suffering.  But on the other hand, I don't know how people pick sides and decide who is right and who is wrong.  It seems to me that in fights, and I'm sure particularly in divorces (Please G-d no one should ever know) things get nasty - and both sides do nasty things.  Is one side obviously wrong, no matter what other nasty things the other party has done?  I don't think its that simple.  I've long been torn whether to go to these rallies held by ORA to pressure the giving of a get.  If ORA is correct, then this is something that is critically important.  But how do they know who's right and whose wrong in these nasty divorces?  I cannot help but to conclude that shev vi-al taaseh adif - better to not get involved and risk actively wronging an "innocent" party (I've asked several rabbonim about this and they seemed to express similar sentiments that it is dangerous to just assume that one of the parties is automatically wrong)

Second, I read an article by a certain Rabbi Dr. Eliyahu Safran that really disturbed me. Rabbi Safran notes that when he divorced, he gave the get within the week - that is certainly the right thing to do when compared with the (evil) option of get refusal.

But Rabbi Safran attempts to develop an entire philosophical framework for divorce, claiming that divorce should not be stigmatized, and instead, should just be accepted as a fact of life within the Jewish community. And I quote:

Let us, as Chazal, our Talmudic sages, did, acknowledge that our belief in marriages as bashert is more ideal than truth.  In candor, let us confront the truth that many, many marriages are entered into with little preparation or understanding about even the most basic truths about living in intimacy with another person.

It is a rare young scholar who is schooled – in even the most cursory manner – in his bride’s emotional, spiritual, psychological and physical needs and priorities. And it is only a rare young woman who is taught to look beyond her groom’s learning or his ability to make a good living. It is a wonder that any marriage survives and succeeds!

Yet, most do.

Some do not.

There needn’t be any shame in that. (emphasis added)

I understand that this man may feel very bad about his divorce.  But thats no excuse for the gross distortion of Jewish ideals.

I shouldn't need to quote any sources, but here are 2:

1.  the gemara in gittin famously ends off, "אמר ר' אלעזר: כל המגרש אשתו ראשונה - אפילו מזבח מוריד עליו דמעות, שנאמר: וזאת שנית תעשו כסות דמעה את מזבח ה' בכי ואנקה מאין [עוד] פנות אל המנחה ולקחת רצון מידכם, ואמרתם על מה על כי ה' העיד בינך ובין אשת נעוריך אשר אתה בגדתה בה והיא חברתך ואשת בריתך.

I don't know how anyone could claim that an event which causes the mizbeach to cry and is referred to as begidah should not be stigmatized and strongly discouraged.

Moreover, it is well known that the rambam seems to paskin like beis shammai that it is forbidden for one to divorce one's wife unless she committed adultery:

ולא יגרש אדם אשתו ראשונה אלא אם כן מצא בה ערות דבר שנאמר כי מצא בה ערות דבר וגו'. (rambam gerushin 10:21)

Obviously we don't paskin like this.  But there is a critical hashkafic lesson here:  Marriage has to be a commitment - you have to go in with the attitude that there is no way out.  period.  If divorce were to be not stigmatized, marriage would become like having a girlfriend - no big deal, because if anything ever goes wrong, you can always back out 1 2 3.   Divorce feeds on itself - the more we allow divorce to become prevalent in our communities, the more marriage loses the perception of commitment and the more divorce we will have.

To safeguard the institution of marriage, it is worth the suffering that we inflict on divorcees by stigmatizing them the same way we stigmatize alcoholics and drug addicts.  and truth be told, the religious failure reflected by divorce is just as great, if not greater, than that of alcoholism and drug addiction.  That isn't to say that such a person has no hope - a drug addict / alcoholic / divorcee can all do teshuvah and move on - that is the amazing gift of teshuvah that hashem gave us.  but that doesn't take away one iota from the absolute religious failure reflected by these 3 vices.

Destroying R Safran's ridiculous philosophical framework does not justify get refusal whatsover - being a religious failure does not justify hurting or inflicting damage on another human being.  And if R Safran didnt believe what he wrote and was just lying to save the victims of get refusers by trying to falsely salvage the ego of divorcees, then that is totally acceptable.  But the truth must be told.

many marriages are entered into with little preparation or understanding about even the most basic truths about living in intimacy with another person...

 I've been blessed to see many good marriages, and I've been cursed to be witness to some failing marriages, and  it has nothing to do with education/a specific lack of knowledge that could be corrected through schooling.   Frankly, to claim that marriages fail because the two genders are not taught the knowledge to understand each other is laughable.  Marriages fail because of lack of maturity  - thats the long and short of it.  People who are mature deal with the curve balls life throws - people who are not do not.

I don't mean to judge other people - especially given that I've never been in their shoes (= never been married).  but R Safran should not claim that excuses for failure are its underlying cause - alcoholism and drug and gambling addictions can also all be explained by a variety of excuses.  But thats not the lesson we go out and teach.

Please G-d we should not hear of or know of divorce, not us nor anyone in klal yisrael. Please G-d,  we should see only simcha, bracha, and shalom.